When the Job Search Gets Dark
Written by Ally Marecek November 2020
Sometimes, the job search gets a little dark.
Not like the thrilling murder mystery you’ve been devouring in your free time, but more like a dense and dangerous fog that leaves you stuck without a visible destination. This is a darkness that comes from within: your innermost insecurities and negative thoughts about the job search.
Like many students searching for the next opportunity, I have my share of irrational fears and worries about my career path, my job possibilities after graduation, and myself. After some time spent alone in my foggy world, I came to realize that as straightforward as it was to overcome external obstacles, like polishing up a resume or practicing for an interview, it was much harder to handle this internal obstacle. I didn’t want to deal with such depressing ideas, but soon it became less of an option and more of a necessity to address my fears if I wanted to go on.
The more I reflected, the more interested I became in exploring this dark web of fears and anxieties that I had let form in the back of my mind — and more importantly, discovering how I could get myself out.
The struggle associated with the job search is not a new issue, since we all know there are challenges to overcome, but the focus is usually on the many ways to improve resumes, networking skills, and interview etiquette — all external obstacles with clear solutions. The equally necessary personal journey of dealing with your darkest thoughts is, ironically, left in the dark. This can leave you in the dark as well, without guidance or solidarity or hope. That’s why I want to talk about these internal obstacles that may be holding you back, and highlight the potential for overcoming them.
These fears can cloud your mind and make you feel stuck and pessimistic, as they have done for me and many other students. They are not fun to think about and resolve. While it’s tempting to shove them aside and power through, leaving the jumbled mess locked away out of sight, they can come back to haunt you sooner or later. I’ve made that mistake many times, allowing the fears to only grow stronger and more irrational. Passivity is easy, but dealing with its consequences is not.
Instead, try this self-reflection activity to tackle your own fears head-on. Create a list of all your anxieties; identify what you are afraid of or insecure about, what is holding you back and stressing you out. So many fears are interconnected and intertwined that it can be hard to know exactly what you’re feeling, but try to identify specifics. Explore the reasons for your feelings: why do you have this particular fear or perspective? Then, alone or with someone you trust, go through the list and think of responses to each. The response could be an action that you will take to overcome the obstacle. It could be a rational fact that lets you portray the situation more accurately (especially if there aren’t many facts to support the fear in the first place!). It could even be a positive affirmation that you can keep in mind when you feel overwhelmed.
Use these responses as your guiding lights to keep you moving forward through the dark. You can try this reflection activity as many times as you like, slowly paving the path through your own complex foggy realm. In fact, it may be best to return to your list every now and then throughout your job search as well as during your post-college career.
Need ideas? Check out this list of just some of the general fears and worries that students may encounter during their job search journeys. If you relate to any of these fears, you can rest assured that you are not the only one; they are all shared by many other students, and half of them are mine too. There are also some initial ideas for responses that you can use to dispel them. Use them as a starting point, but remember that the purpose of this exercise is to find what works for you!
Not getting the perfect first job
It’s a very appealing vision: you graduate and after celebrating with all your friends and family, you start working at your dream job. You enjoy absolutely everything about it and even better, it is the beginning of a successful and perfect career. It can seem like the first job right out of college is the one that makes or breaks your entire career. However, if you are fixated on this perfectionistic vision and ignore all the other opportunities because they are not what you had in mind, you may find yourself unnecessarily restricted and discouraged.
Put this fear in perspective. Your overall success in your career and in your life is not dependent on your first job out of college! Your first job doesn’t even need to relate to your career; there will be lots of time to get back on track if needed.
Imagine what your dream job really is. You may have a vague desire for “something perfect”, but try defining it. Are you aiming for a specific company? A specific role? A specific location? A specific salary? When you know what you actually want, you can judge how realistic it is and which aspects to prioritize in your search.
You should absolutely apply for whatever your perfect job is if you’ve found it… but don’t burn down all the other bridges just yet. Remember to allot at least some time and energy to the less perfect, but still viable, possibilities.
Remember that your interests and desires may change. Most of us have had a variety of “dream jobs” throughout our lives!
Not being ready to take the next step
After spending the majority of your life on a consistent path already paved for you in the form of school routines and grade levels, moving on to the next phase can feel like standing on the edge of a precipice and being expected to build your own bridge…to the next hundred cliffs. Life after college is filled with changes and uncertainty (even in non-pandemic years). Often the ambiguity of the future is what makes it so appealing, but such a drastic shift in your life can have the opposite effect. You may be worried about the realities of full-time work, such as monotony in your life or being exposed to discrimination and harassment in the workplace. You could also be afraid that you haven’t prepared enough during your time in school.
Why do you feel afraid of this next step in your journey? If you are afraid of the unknown or being unprepared, remember that this is common for everyone and nothing to be ashamed of. Uncertainty is a threat because it is impossible for your mind to protect you if it doesn’t know what’s going to happen.
If there is something more specific that you’re afraid of, make a plan! For instance, if you’re worried about your financial situation once you’re no longer a student, review where you are now and find ways to make extra money on the side. For fears about managing your time once you start your first full-time job, think about what other time commitments you’ll have and find some scheduling systems that could work for you. This is a great opportunity to ask for advice from mentors, friends, or family who have already graduated; they may be able to give you tips regarding their own transition out of college.
Make a list of goals for the future, whether they are about the exciting and opportunity-filled career that awaits you or more personal goals about hobbies, relationships, etc. You can also make notes of what you might want to improve or discover. These are positive and certain aspects of your life that await you amid the uncertainty.
Unsure if this is the right path
You’re still at the start of your career path, but you may already be filled with uncertainty, indecisiveness, and second thoughts. You may have interests in your major or in some other subject, but still be uncertain about what your passion really is. Perhaps you have spent so much time in various positions in the field you thought you would pursue after college, but all you have learned is how much you don’t like that industry. Maybe you don’t even know what to look for; yes, that semester-long class or seasonal internship was great, but how can you know what is going to translate into your dream career?
Think of the path you are on now. Does it align with your values, your interests, your strengths? Your career goals? Your personal goals? Why did you get on this path in the first place? Try to define these in a tangible way, such as writing a list or making a collage of pictures, rather than just imagining. It’s okay if there isn’t perfect alignment; however, you shouldn’t be on a path that completely contradicts everything that is important to you.
If you’re completely lost, reflect on the experiences have you enjoyed in the past. Think about jobs, internships, classes, even personal projects and hobbies you have done on your own time. What appeals to you? What keeps you coming back? Do you enjoy the structure, the creative process, the impact you have on the community? Do you like having a lot of different projects or one consistent task? Is there anything that can be translated into your career?
The path in life isn’t a single straight line; you can take a different path at any time. You do not need to have it completely figured out right now; as long as you have some sort of plan to get by, you are doing fine! When inspiration strikes you, there will be opportunities to go back to school, learn new skills, or get your foot in the door of a completely different industry if that is what you want to do.
Remember that every experience has value. You may have learned a new skill, made a few friends, discovered a surprising interest, or met a mentor. Sometimes the value is simply realizing what you never want to do again or getting the wake-up call that you need to try a different approach! You don’t have to worry that you wasted time and effort on the wrong opportunities, or that you will do so now.
Not being or having enough
You can fill in the blanks: I’m not _____ (smart/creative/skilled) enough, I don’t have enough experience in ______ (this role/this industry/this software). You look at job applications and are daunted by the demand for years of experience, knowledge of countless computer programs or specific techniques, and commitment to all kinds of tasks beyond the job description that prompted you to click on it. It’s hard to make it 20+ years without some sort of experience or involvement, but no matter what you’ve done in the past, you may feel like you don’t have enough skills or experience for the job you want. Even at your best, there’s a fear that something is still missing.
Apply anyway! Unless there is some sort of fee, there is likely no harm in applying for any job. You never know what will happen.
If you’re intimidated by some of the work you would be expected to do, remember that you will learn a lot on the job, both through training and by simply doing the job. Unless you’ve never worked before, you have already had a job where you had little to no previous experience! Every organization will likely have specific techniques or practices that you would have to learn anyway. The most important quality you need is a willingness to learn and improve.
Highlight your achievements and representations of your qualifications to remind yourself of what you have to offer. This is actually an effective way of boosting your mood! Try creating a little gallery of awards you’ve won, projects you’ve created, or photos from your previous jobs.
Leave it up to the hiring managers. It is ultimately not your decision whether you get the job, so know that you also cannot accurately judge whether you fit the criteria. They may even see something you don’t; perhaps you are missing some of the qualifications, but your positive attitude and eagerness to learn are enough to make you stand out and get you role!
Comparison to fellow students
The job search can feel like a competition (and not just because everyone else wants the same job as you!). It’s hard to avoid comparing yourself to all your peers. Comparison is a natural human instinct; we do it in order to reduce uncertainty and better define ourselves. We are especially prone to comparing ourselves to those who are similar to us. In your case, that is likely other college students searching for jobs! You may see others constantly succeeding and wonder what secrets they have to get ahead. You may compare yourself to someone because it seems like they embody your vision of success while you don’t. Comparison can increase some of your other worries, such as being afraid that you don’t have enough experience since you clearly haven’t done as much as your classmate.
Recognize good and bad motivations for comparison. You can and should use comparison to identify what you can do better. However, if your comparison involves putting yourself down constantly or building yourself up at the expense of others’ struggles, that’s a problem!
Remember that there is no system for ranking skills, personality traits, experiences, etc. You can easily judge who has the better grade or who has had more years of experience in a certain role, but how can you judge the lessons you’ve learned, the strengths you’ve built, or the passions you’ve discovered? These are all essential too!
You have many things in common with other students, but also many unique skills, interests, and hobbies. Identify and celebrate them! Your job is to set yourself apart and be your authentic self, not catch up to or imitate others; this is the one competition you are guaranteed to win!
Finally, keep in mind that there are differences in terms of legal restrictions, family legacy, etc. that you have limited or no control over. This is never easy to accept, but it is a fact of life that not everyone is dealt the same hand, and we have to find the ways to persevere with our own advantages. Focus on making the most of what you can control: your skills, your attitude, your approach to the job search.
Fear of disappointing family and friends
It can be motivating to have someone making you feel accountable. You may feel inspired by your hard working parents, or you may want to be a role model to younger siblings. However, there is a darker side to bringing other people into your career journey. Some of you may be dealing with a lot of pressure to go into a specific field or apply for certain programs. You could have overbearing relatives who are much more involved in your career journey than they should be and constantly critique your decisions. Perhaps you feel the need to conform and go into the same industry as your friends or family. You may feel guilty as you wonder if you’re living up to expectations put on you throughout your life. You could even be trying to prove yourself and impress people with a fancy role. Whatever the reason, there will likely be some conflicts of interest and disappointment.
Ask for opinions. Before you worry about disappointing someone, find out what exactly they are expecting — whether they have explicitly expressed certain expectations or if this is something you have been assuming. For example, perhaps you have been told by a relative that you should pursue a specific career, but once you ask them to elaborate, they may reveal that they ultimately just want you to be independent and financially stable.
Discuss any differences to find opportunities for better relationships. Should you define more boundaries? Provide more updates about your career progress? Do you need more encouragement and assurance to stay positive?
Surround yourself with a support system. Ideally, you should have more people around you who do support your own goals compared to those who may be limiting or pressuring you.
Remember that your career journey is ultimately about you and your goals. You should not be motivated by a need to prove yourself, or guilt, or a fear of ruining relationships. Give yourself some space if you are experiencing friction with someone close to you, and turn conversations to the bigger picture.
Fear of rejection
Rejection and the associated feelings of failure and self-doubt is probably one of the biggest fears of the avid job-seeker. Rejection causes real emotional pain — in fact, research has shown it often hurts to lose more than it feels good to win! — and it is a human instinct to avoid pain. Some jobs will add a little insult to the injury with automated rejection emails that fill your inbox with negativity, or even simply “ghosting” you, but no matter how it happens, it can lead to hopelessness and frustration. Every rejection is another blow to your self-esteem, your optimism about the future, and your mindset as you approach the next applications and interviews. Additionally, one important aspect of rejection that makes it such a significant fear is the fact that it seems to confirm your other fears. For example, if you are afraid that you are not good enough for a position or that you are going down the wrong career path, rejection will only support those thoughts!
Create a self-care routine to use after rejections. Bring in some positivity with a relaxing at-home spa day, a phone call with a friend, or a few hours of indulging in your favorite hobby. Remember to also validate your feelings; it is okay to feel sad, angry, or hopeless in the moment, as these will all pass!
Make a backup plan specific to your goals. Think of other opportunities to earn money, learn skills…whatever it is you are seeking in your next job. It is easier to bounce back from rejection when you know you still have other options!
Remember the realities of rejection. It does not define you or suggest anything negative about you as a person. It happens to everyone in one way or another, and you can get rejected because of something that is completely out of your control, such as not being a great fit for the company culture.
Keep in mind that rejection is not the end of the journey; it is an opportunity for redirection and reaffirmation. This is a time to remind yourself of your self-worth, reassess your goals, and forge a new path. (To hear more about redirection, check out one of our recent podcasts, “Reacting to Rejection”)
Learn from your rejections. If you have consistently gotten rejected from the same type of role, consider other roles that still fit with your interests or career goals. Look over your resume or cover letter, preferably with a career counselor or other mentor, for any weaknesses that might be standing out. You can also take this a step further and politely ask the hiring managers themselves for feedback. Rejections are not always in your control, but be mindful of how they can reveal areas you could improve.
Going through all of this alone
This final fear is what lies at the heart of this blog post: we tend to talk about and emphasize our successes while leaving our obstacles and anxieties out of the conversation. That’s why we feel like we are going through all of our struggles alone. Nobody wants to feel like they are the only one having a hard time… but when all the evidence suggests that everyone is succeeding, what else can you believe?
You are not alone. Every fear on this list is based on the experiences of other students, both those who have graduated and those who are right where you are now. As I mentioned at the start, half of them are fears I am still struggling with. More likely than not, your own peers have at least one fear in common with you.
Be the one to start the conversation. Talk to your friends about your fears, and invite them to share theirs. As you learn about each other’s worries, you can share solutions and affirmations. Everybody can benefit from some support and a listening ear.